An officemate left today to retire. He is 59. A family man.

There come some things in life that make you want to consider and reconsider the life's paths. One of them is retirement of a colleague.

Here I am at 40. Confused and groping in the dark as to what will I become when I reach 59. I used to say that we should have faith and not be afraid of what tomorrow will bring. It's not that I'm wavering in my faith and it doesn't really mean that thing about your future is a sinful act of an unbeliever. We are, after all, responsible to ourselves.

My point is that with the departure of a colleague, it makes me realize that sooner or later, I too am leaving Saudi for good. I'm 40 and my dreams remain everchanging and ever complicated. What are those things that I really wanted in life? What are those things that would make retire from Saudi Arabia?

House. I used to dream of a big, white-painted house. With a decent loo. With a patch garden. God granted me that.

Car. Or something that my family could use in going places. God also granted me that. It conks out every now and then. It conks out especially while I'm on vacation (hence, I get to pick the repair tabs) but that's fine. I'm grateful for that family car.

A good husband to my only sister. Oh, God was very giving in that aspect. He also granted us two lovely nieces, Jillian and Janine.

A decent savings (which, unfortunately, I only get to spend everytime I go on vacation). But how much really must a savings be before it becomes enough? A million? Two? Five? If that will be my gauge in retiring, I'd have to be here in Saudi for the next 20 years.

And where will I spend my savings, in case I manage to reach my goal?

For my hospitalization, for my insurances, for my pension plan. Sad but true, I am -- just like the other Filipinos I know -- are relying on savings to take of our future, er, when we become old and could no longer move a finger to work. Most of us believe that with enough money, we can guarantee that our old age will be light and breezy.

Wrong.

Money will buy medicine to prolong our life. It will not however ease the pain of old age. It will not buy the time that we lost (while saving money).

I used to kid a friend whose favorite line is: I will buy that when I a million. By that he meant a comfortable bed, a goodlooking chinaware, a plasma tv, an electronic gadget. The fact is, he's got the money.

Whatever his reason for not buying his dream thing is beyond me. I told him to buy the comfortable bed while he still can feel the sensation in his skin. When he grows old, he will no longer mind the comfort of his bed as he would be pre-occupied by his aching limbs and bones.
Hence, eat while our taste buds can still sense the six different tastes: sweet, sour, salty, bitter, spicy and astringent.

Dance while our feet (and bones) can still withstand the jive or the rumba.

Laugh while we still can. And love. And feel. And care. And give.

So when will I be retiring from Saudi? Honestly, I don't know. I fear the thought that I'd be waking up one day without a purpose. One of these days I will finally depart Saudi. Until then, I will save for myself, help my family, assist my relatives while simultaneously laughing, loving and enjoying whatever life brings me.

And this is my prayer: May I serve the purpose of my being (whatever that purpose is). May my life not go to waste.