Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Cowered by fear
I don't know how to swim and when I venture in any swimming pool, I always end up like a talaba: immersed in water but clinging on whatever stable matter I can hold on to, never letting go.
I fear heights. Whenever there are scenes on tv particularly showing a POV of someone on a building ledge, I feel an uncomfortable sensation in my groin!
I fear snakes. I fear poverty. I fear popular people.
And now that I'm no longer, ehem, young, I hear William Wallace's famous Braveheart line: ...and dying in your bed, many years from now, would you trade this day to that day...!
Yes, I would trade any day to that day when I could learn to swim or I could bungee jump without fear.
Because you see, one thing that my parents forgot to teach me is to be adventurous because they themselves weren't. They let go of their adventurous spirit in lieu of our future -- my sister's and mine. You know that thing called sacrifice for the betterment of your children? My parents did that and have forgotten how to become adventurous.
Don't they have courage? They do. There's no question about that. My father was raised in Carles, Iloilo; my mother in Anao, Tarlac. They traveled to Manila at very young age: poor and full of dreams. My father pursued radio technology; my mother midwifery (nurses were not in at that time). Both didn't finish school and, at 20, had to work in a factory. And work they did for more than forty years! That's how hard they struggled in raising us, providing us the provisions we need, with the meager income they get out of that factor. They let go of their personal dreams and wasted their youths so they can raise us decently.
And that same 'loyalty' had rubbed off to my sister and I. My sister, a registered dietician, found her job (so unrelated to her degree) right after college and stuck in that job for more than 17 years! Now that she's 40 and retrenched, she has nowhere else to go.
And I have been in this same company in Saudi for more than 12 years! Although I'm sure I will not get fired anytime soon, I still fear that, if indeed I am fired, my chances are now more limited and my job choices a lot fewer than when I was younger.
Today, I thought that maybe it's time I take the plunge, dive the unknown. As Birdie Conrad in You've Got Mail said: ...(dare) to march into the unknown armed with (pause)...nothing. Precisely that's my point. Why do I fear when I have nothing to lose? It's been too long that I'm playing it safe here in Saudi and I honestly feel that my fear had cost me a lot of opportunities.
Before I went to Saudi in my mid-20's, a friend offered me a job as her assistant for a major advertising company in Manila. I declined. She's now in the US and the last thing I heard of her, she's working at a big advertising firm in New York.
Some ten years ago, a friend invited me to apply for a scholarship in Germany for an engineering degree. I declined because I said I'm getting well paid as a secretary in Saudi. My friend, a BS Psychology graduate, is now in Canada as a Contracts Manager.
Because life has no Control-Z (shortcut for undo in Microsoft), I can only wonder what my life would have been had I took a different set of choices. I will never know.
I wanted to learn how to swim and bungee jump.
:-{
I'll wait for the summer because I think the changing weather is making me conjur up silly thoughts. It's the weather alright. It's the weather and that naughty post I did yesterday. Or maybe because it's full moon tonight.
I know. I'll plan for it. I'll plan for it and take action. I'll take action and see whether I'm right or wrong. I read in a study on risks that willingness to take risks decreases with age and them taller tend to take risks more than the smaller us. Bah. We'll see.
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i for one believed that you will never be truly satisfied with your life and with what you have not unless you have tried everything you really wanted to.. you may however fail but at least you tried.. you felt how it was.. and most of all you learned.. in everything that we decide to do/face in our lives, its always a learning experience...
you are just perfectly a normal species! wanting more... craving for more... and hoping for more!
do what ur heart tells u. not for fame, not for glory, not for money. that is one secret of happiness.
(aba! nageenglish pala ako!)
kudos!
pards,bungee talon,nagawa ko na,nung napasyal ako ng subic.mas gusto ko naman lumangoy sa ilog kesa sa dagat,kaya lang ngayon medyo madumi na ang ilog samin,kaya sa balon nalang ako lumalangoy!
pareho pala tayo mas gusto ko pang magtanim ng kamote satin...bow!
Oh... Taking risks? Hindi nga siya madali, Kuya Nebz... Whew!
Nag-iisip din ako ng mga naiisip nyo ngayon. Ganito nalang ang ginagawa ko, hinahanap ko nalang ngayon kung saan ba talaga ako pinaka-masaya, kung nasaaan ang satisfaction at fulfilment (kung meron man nito). Sa tingin ko yun ang pinasukatan ng mga gagawin nating decisions.
Huningi nalang din ng mga signs sa Maykapal kapag gagawa ng mga decisions. Huhmn... [Buntong hininga.]
For those who are single, I encourage taking risk, if the success rate is high and its all worth it. But for someone like me; already in my mid-life and with dependents, I'll probable take a straighter and safer path.
It all depends on how much you can afford to loss when taking any venture.
Salamat po sa inyong lahat.
I'll take your advise. I will...
- try;
- follow my heart;
- plant kamote;
- find that which satisfies and fulfills me;
- weigh my probable losses.
At higit sa lahat, ipagpapasa-Diyos ko sya. because in God, nothing will go wrong...
alam mo nebz may quote ako na lagi kong iniisip.
Taking risk, build friendship, strengthen ourselves, and leads to success.
No one succeed by merely a spectator, you've got to be a player out there.
But there are times we've got to weigh things out especially at this crisis times. I am bored in my work, honestly I am. I feel like everything is like a used up battery, no use, no worth, pero tiyaga at tiis muna, may pamilya ako, at wala pang hiring sa ibang company kasi wlang saudi visa, or cross cutting muna.
tiis muna...tiyaga, dadating ang time, sasahurin din natin ang grasya..inshallah. :)
Salamat po tots. I liked your quotation. Oo nga. I've always been a spectator all of my life. It's time I become a player. Hah! Magiging player ako!
Pero dahil krisis, e di sige, tiis muna. tyaga. intay.
Pasasaan ba't me mababago rin sa wari'y nkakabagot na buhay natin.
salamat po sa dalaw.
hmm nahihiya naman ako magcomment slash advise.. kasi po kung wisdom and experience lang pag-uusapan e super mega lamang po kayong lahat sa akin.. and super late na rin tong comment ko.. kaya kuya nebz kantahan na lang kita: kung ano ang nasa puso mo sundin mo..get get aw!.. hehe sexbomb dancer :P