Warning: I may be drunk when I decided to post this.

I've been wanting to shed off my belly fats because it's so un-sexy. But because I'm lazy, I instead derive personal satisfaction in posting funny emails deriding healthy living and justifying my laziness.

Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you?
You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? Hello, cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Is swimming good for your figure?
Is swimming is good for your figure? Explain whales to me.

Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Remember: 'Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: Woo hoo! what a ride!

Ain't I soooo bitter?

Or maybe too drunk.

(Promise. When I become sober tomorrow, I'll tell you of my short leave).