In Philippine culture, infidelities or extramarital relationships range from casual relationships to the keeping of a querida or paramour. Filipino terms referring to infidelity (include) pakikiapid or pangangalunya (used in legal and scholarly documents), paglalaro sa apoy (playing with fire), pamamangka sa dalawang ilog (rowing up two rivers), pagsusunong ng uling (carrying of burning charcoal), pangangaliwa (turning left or going against the expected direction), pagkulasisi or pangtsitsiks (catching chicks or birds), and pambababae (collecting women). Very interesting, huh.

That's from a study made by Father Ted Gonzales entitled The Filipino Context of Infidelity and Resilience which also offered, among other insightful information, the reasons why Filipinos men go astray: marital deficiency, status-affluence symbol, proof of masculinity, spouse inadequacy, mere pastime, loneliness (especially when abroad), peer pressure, influence of alcohol.

I don't know whether those excuses were before or after the infidelity is committed. Personally, on a closer look, I think these excuses center on husband's insatiability and wife's submissive attitude.

Pinoy, polygamous; Pinays, submissive

In Leonore Loeb Adler's book International perspectives on violence, she noted that Filipinos adhere to 'societal prescriptions' that Pinays are supposed to be feminine, modest, refine and demure and are expected to stay home, while Pinoys are taught to be masculine, strong, brawny and are given more freedom, resulting to "tolerance to male aggression".

At the early stage, we were already taught that women are men's possession, and not the other way around. This may well be the reason why we accept infidelity as normal, just a fling, and that sex outside of marriage is okay as long as we can afford it and we are not caught.

What's my take on the issue?

An article in Psychology Today reads: Everybody is unfaithful. It's normal, expectable behavior. But the truth is most people are faithful most of the time.

I believe that. I believe that Filipino men secretly wish to be honest and true although it is far easier to be unfaithful than to be loyal to the marriage. (More especially now that there is so much freedom in meeting other people through online means, I feel that infidelity is more open than before. If left unchecked, a mere friendship can turn into a sexual relationship).

A married relationship is always two-way and it involves lots and lots of sacrifices from both the husband and the wife. Remember the vows?

"I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Yes, I'm trying to be religious about marriage because I believe in its sanctity. I believe in the marriage vows, I believe in sacrifices and I believe in fidelity. In closing, let me share with you a reading from Gary Thomas' book Sacred Marriage.

"Consider the virtues I have recommended as necessary to a deep relation with your wife: patience, listening, humility, service, and faithful, tender love. I hope it is not heretical for me to claim that in his dealings with us, God acts in many ways like a woman.

Women are capable of and sometimes commit magnificent acts that manifest incredible power and awaken in us men a profound awe, if not fear and trembling. Yet when they love, they love quietly; they speak, as it were, in whispers, and we have to listen carefully, attentively, to hear their words of love and to know them.

Isn't God also this way?"

I believe it is.

Related reading:
On infidelity: Wives, think like a mistress!



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